The Inner Goddess

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Its been a busy year so far.  A lot of lessons, challenges, accomplishments & blessings have come and gone, wouldn’t you agree?

April was one of my busiest & blessed months I have received in my role as an Artist.  I found myself working non-stop and mostly from my head and much less from my heart space.  And then you know, life comes along and gives you that blessed opportunity to go back in your heart space again with its wonderful lessons.

On Thursday, April 30th, 2015, while I was attending an MBS Business Entrepreneur Certification class to expand my business knowledge, my father crossed over.  After nine months of living in a minimally conscious state, my father’s physical body gave up.  While I knew in my heart, it was his time, there still left the closure and healing process for me to deal with.

unnamed_largeFrom his passing, I had to fly out to Florida to tend to his funeral, his wife and my half sister.  This also gave me the opportunity to heal other relationships that needed mending.  It just so happened that my two step sisters, and niece were there visiting my mother to heal past hurts as well and the timing couldn’t be more impeccable for me to be present, a blessing that my father gave to me in his non physical state.

You see, I am an only child but have been blessed with the opportunities to move through life as a step sister to three marvelous step sisters through my mother’s marriage to my step father and gained a half sister through my father’s marriage, to my step mother.  All this can seem so confusing to you, imagine me as a seven year old child taking this all on.  My childhood life looked something like the Disney tale Cinderella.  Needless to say, my soul has come here to learn the values, of compassion, self worth and loving unconditionally.  I guess if I can conquer these classes here in this lifetime, in the next life, I will be the Sage, Loving Teacher that I long to be.  For It Resonates within me to my core.

All the childhood struggles that led me to where I am now, I can leave for another time, blog or maybe even a book.  I always said I want to write a book and call it “The Step Child”.  But being the step child/sister to so many left me with a lifetime feeling of “not fitting in” in society or not feeling loved or good enough or blah blah blah.  : )

Yes, I try to find the humor in life lessons and my awareness of the truth that has led me to here.  Awareness, which leads me to this blog to open up and share my dark side, my destroying Goddess that holds hands with that beautiful side, that Nurturing Goddess.  Oh, and did I mention that all this bullshit happens a couple of weeks before Mercury Retrograde which is still present and I am still moving through all this shit still.

family_largeWhile my stay in Florida, I found myself amongst all these blessings of mending past hurt relationships, and new opportunities to be present and move through other surfaced old wounds that showed up for me during this stay.  It felt crazy, part of me was present and another part of me wasn’t.  It was busy for there were a lot of relatives, plans and of course a funeral to be physically present for.  It felt like there wasn’t even time to grieve.  At some points, with my step mother, I felt that I had to be back in the state of protected Tara. The little girl that had to protect herself from the step family that didn’t love me.  And within a week of this going on, and these old past traumas that popped up for me to move through, I found myself actively participating in old self destructing behaviors that I thought I had conquered. And all the while I wasn’t even aware of this behavior until I had returned home with the same feelings.

Once, I got home, I was able to step back and see the patterns.  For me, self destructing behavior looks like this, paranoia that no one likes me, Im not good enough, emotional eating habits, and depression.  Suddenly I am ridden with shame, guilt and of course anxiety..

But if it wasn’t for the Anxiety, I don’t think I would caught myself so soon.  Some of you may know, that Anxiety is an indicator from your Higher Self that you are not in Alignment with Your Highest Good, we are off course or like Ekhart Tolle explains in his teachings “You Are Missing the Mark”.  So after this week and half of these feelings, I finally surrendered and started to pray for help.

Thats when the AHA moments started to unfold, I love when these come, I was led to a meditation I received from Daily Om about our Inner Goddess and how our Inner Goddess within is a constant duality of The Nurturer and The Destroyer and then I am led to HayHouse’s 21 day summit featuring the movie “The Shadow Effect” which explains to us that within us lives the light part of us and the dark shadow, the part of us, that we don’t want to show to the world.  And how if we don’t work through that dark part of us, except it, forgive it and love it, it will show up in ways that we really don’t want to see.

My AHA moment was when I realized that my father’s passing brought to surface that dark part of me that I suppress and hide from the world.  It brought to surface those dark traumas that I witnessed and felt as a little girl and almost automatically, my Destroyer Goddess came to life with the old destroying, dark behavior patterns coming to life again.

Its amazing when you think of the mind and its conditioned responses.  How that ego can make me feel like that little girl all over again and all the while I deep down know the truth and yet, and yet, I still struggle with the truth that resonates at my core.  I AM LOVE.  I AM PERFECT.  I AM DIVINE WISDOM.  I AM LOVE.

I will say to you that I am grateful for all that I have learned and am still learning.  I am grateful for my angels and spirit guides for their guidance and presence.

I am grateful that it only takes me a couple of weeks versus a couple of months or years to step into my awareness.  I am grateful that I am okay with feeling this out even if it does feel uncomfortable.  I am grateful for that I have conquered another Goddess Destroyer moment in this lifetime.  And most of all, I am grateful that the Goddess Destroyer comes a lot less frequently in my life these days.

unnamed_2_largeI hope that this story I am sharing with you helps anyone that can relate to this, and if you should find yourself feeling this way, there are many ways to move through these rough patches.  For me, its exercise, meditation, eating healthy & reading books that positively connect me to my inner awareness and there are so many good ones out there.  But I know when I feel crappy, I love to read books that remind me of my inner truth.  And as an Artist, I love to create during these times.  Creativity is  a proven stress reducer, it takes the person out of the ego, brings them present to the moment and keeps the monkey mind quiet while it lets the soul shine.  You don’t have to be an artist to be creative.  All craft stores now have step by step craft kits that are easy and fun to use.  Michaels now has adult coloring books in their brand that are affordable and an easy outlet away from stress and worry.

I will finish with this:  “The best use of imagination is CREATIVITY.  The worst use of imagination is ANXIETY.” – Deepak Chopra

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